


Metamorphosis

by panpipe



Category: NewS (Band)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2008-12-12
Updated: 2008-12-12
Packaged: 2017-10-13 03:47:06
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,307
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/132487
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/panpipe/pseuds/panpipe
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It takes so many years and so many months, but Tegoshi finally grows up.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Metamorphosis

**Author's Note:**

> Originally posted [here](http://panpipe.livejournal.com/99682.html#cutid1). Without [unrequitedangst](http://archiveofourown.org/users/unrequitedangst/) this fic could not have been possible.

It's only his first week in Johnny's and Tegoshi keeps looking at all the other Juniors, wondering why he can't be more like them. His teeth are too crooked, his hair is completely unmanageable, and he doesn't know how to match anything other than track suits. Sometimes he wonders how he got into Johnny's at all when he has all this going against him, but then he remembers: you can fix your teeth, and style your hair, and someone else can dress you for interviews, but there's no real way to fake a good voice. So he's got a pretty good edge on the others when you consider that.

He just has to work on his personality.

Like, yeah, okay, the other Juniors have been around longer, and they've been cultivating their "captivating smiles" and "magnetic personalities" since they were like, five, but it's not like people _hate_ Tegoshi so he doesn't see how that really matters. He's a fast learner, and he's smart.

But there's still one Junior in particular that Tegoshi can't stop watching. Yamashita Tomohisa. He dances, he acts, he has the personality. The only thing he's missing is the voice, but he's an idol, and his voice is _okay_ , and that's all that really matters.

Watching Yamashita-san makes Tegoshi remember that having a great voice isn't enough in this industry, and Tegoshi's not sure he could ever compare. Tegoshi'd probably be completely washed out standing next to him, even if Tegoshi were singing the Queen of the Night aria while spinning on his head.

 

It's one month in, and Tegoshi still eats lunch alone. He's pretty sure he alienated himself from the other Juniors when he said one of the boys sang like a strangled cow, but he doesn't care. It's _true_.

Johnny finds him sitting at his usual table in the corner, and walks over, smiling brightly. His hand clenches a young boy's shoulder as he steers the other kid over to where Tegoshi is. "This is Masuda-kun," Johnny tells him, affectionately knocking the older boy lightly on the shoulder.

"Ah. Okay," Tegoshi says.

"He's got a funny voice. You should sing with him." Johnny walks off, and the boy shrugs at Tegoshi.

He wonders if Johnny heard about the strangled cow incident.

Tegoshi forgets the boy's name before the evening is through. No one matters but Yamashita-san, because that's what Tegoshi is aiming for. That's his goal.

 

When the boy shows up the next day, dumpling stuffed in his mouth, waving hello to Tegoshi, Tegoshi scrambles to remember his name. Matsu? Matsuda? No, it wasn't that, was it? Finally, he settles on a simple, "Oh, Massu. Hello." He figures Massu is ambiguous enough to be considered an affectionate nickname.

Not that Tegoshi wants to give the kid an affectionate nickname, but he figures that's better than letting the guy know he was so insignificant that Tegoshi didn't bother to learn what he was called.

The boy--whatever his name is--nearly drops the dumpling in shock at being called so familiarly, almost looking like a startled (kicked) puppy. Well, okay, actually Massu does drop it. He bites straight through it, and Tegoshi watches as it drops and Massu scrambles to save it from death by germy floor.

Tegoshi laughs, loudly and obnoxiously, louder than he ever has at the company, because normally he's too self-conscious and too afraid of being that awkward kid with the annoying laugh, the one who would never in a million years be mistaken for a popular idol star, and for a few minutes he forgets that he's trying so hard to be noticed despite so often blending into the background.

Once Massu has recovered his dumpling, he grins sheepishly at Tegoshi. Massu doesn't blush, just grins, and Tegoshi has to admit, that's pretty cool. Or means that the guy's an idiot, but whatever.

 

Tegoshi hadn't really planned to keep hanging out with Massu. He'd never really planned on hanging out with anyone in the company, actually, because he has friends in soccer and really, that's all he needs. Tegoshi likes having people need _him_. He doesn't enjoy it when it was the other way around, so he tries to keep his distance.

And yet, somehow, Tegoshi finds himself spending more and more time after dance rehearsals with Massu. He chalks it up to the fact that the kid seems to have taken what Johnny said to heart, inviting Tegohi to karaoke almost every other afternoon. Which gets kind of expensive, and yet somehow Tegoshi keeps going.

One day, Massu sees Tegoshi at soccer practice, practicing blocking goals, and the next day Massu starts an excited conversation about how cool Tegoshi-kun had looked, and how Massu   
wishes he did something like that but the only thing he really thinks about learning is cooking, because then he'd never run out of food.

Tegoshi just smiles awkwardly back, not because he dislikes the conversation, or the company, but because there is this weird tightening in his chest and he's not sure why it's there. When he doesn't feel it the next time he talks to Massu, he chalks it up to the fact that he must have been running a low-grade fever the day before.

 

Then, somehow, one day it all slips out. Well, not like, his whole life story or anything, but the insecurities that Tegoshi hasn't even voiced to his mother, ones he's only mentioned to himself at night, in the dark of his room when he has trouble sleeping.

"I'm terrible at dancing," he says, then bites his lip in embarrassment, but it's like he can't stop. "And I don't have the personality for an idol. And I really really want to be an idol. But I'm not magnetic and I'm not--" He doesn't like showing his insecurities to someone he's just met, but somehow, when Tegoshi is around Massu, he finds himself relaxing involuntarily.

"You're not that bad," Massu says cheerfully. "And as for your personality, I mean, I like you, right?"

Tegoshi hangs his head. "But you like everyone," he mumbles into his knees, not willing to look Massu in the eyes.

"Okay, well," Massu says, chewing on his gyoza. "You've got a point there. I guess you do kind of have a horrible personality. And you are kind of that bad at dancing."

Tegoshi's head whips to Massu's and he glares.

But rather than crumpling under his gaze like his soccer friends would have, Massu just laughs and says, "Look, don't sweat it, okay? Your personality isn't _completely_ rotten and you can practice the dances over at my house if you're that worried," and somehow, Tegoshi isn't disgusted by the idea of spending more time with Massu than usual.

 

It's five months since Tegoshi joined the company, and his eyes still follow Yamashita-senpai wherever he goes, but his days are no longer filled with thoughts of trying to catch up with Yamashita-san.

Tegoshi's days are filled instead with thoughts of Massu, with being around Massu, with having fun with Massu, with going to karaoke with Massu for hours and hours on end just like Johnny suggested, but then going back to one of their houses for video games and a sleepover, which Johnny certainly did not suggest. (Though Tegoshi was almost worried he would, for a few months. Johnny creeps him out sometimes.) His days are filled with thoughts of being a normal, happy teenage boy, and not some wannabe idol.

He's never seen his mother smile as much as she does as when he invites Massu over for dinner and video games, and he's not sure why it's such a big deal. Is inviting people over really that much a part of being a normal child? If so, then being a normal child is kind of overrated.

He still wouldn't trade the sleepovers for anything, though. Not even the chance to be a solo artist.

 

It's five months and one week, and Tegoshi has soccer club activities to attend.

"You haven't been coming to practice as often as you used to," one of his teammates says.

Tegoshi smiles crookedly, apologetically. "Sorry, practices at the Jimusho have been getting longer and longer."

It's a complete lie, he _hasn't_ been busier lately, but for some reason Tegoshi feels the need to protect his time with Massu. He's not sure what he's even protecting it from. Maybe it's just that he doesn't feel like getting a lecture about how he's never gone to karaoke with any of the guys from the team before. (It's not actually because he hates them or anything, they just plain suck at singing. A lot. Massu's voice is a little strange but at least he can hit every note without sounding like a dying whale.)

"That sucks, man," he says, and the others all nod in agreement. "Whatever, you're here now. Let's play some soccer!"

 

However, when it's three months later, eight months total since he joined Johnny's, Tegoshi decides it's time to quit the soccer club.

"I'm just really too busy," he says, and this time, it isn't a lie. For some reason he's been forced to attend extra dance rehearsals and extra singing lessons and. And okay, they told him that tomorrow he would be practicing with a few _senpai_ one of whom included _Yamashita-senpai_ , and he knows it's ridiculous to get his hopes up but there have been rumors of Yamashita-san debuting soon and maybe, _maybe_ this means Tegoshi will debut with him.

"That sucks," his friends reply. "We'll just have to make sure we hang out every once in a while still," they tell him.

 

If Tegoshi is debuting anytime soon, he doesn't think he'll bother keeping in touch. He's got Massu to entertain him, and besides, Massu's gotten pretty good at keeping Tegoshi's goalie skills in tact lately.

 

Nine months later, and, at least within the confines of the company, it's official.

Tegoshi is going to be in a unit with Yamashita-senpai. Tegoshi is going to be in a unit with Yamashita-san. Tegoshi is going to be in a unit with _Yamashita Tomohisa_ , his idol of choice.

And Massu, the thought of which makes him uncontrollably happy. After all, Yamashita-san is great and all, but Massu's the one that he can laugh about snorting milk out of his nose with, and he's the one that's always been Tegoshi's and Tegoshi's alone. Well, okay, he's been Tegoshi's for seven months and six days, but Tegoshi doesn't think Massu's going to be leaving anytime soon. After all, Massu had joined Kis-My-Ft recently, but it was still "Tegoshi and Massu" to everyone who knew them.

And look, okay, it's not like he _needs_ Massu or anything, you know. It's just more enjoyable to have him around than to _not_ have him around. That's all.

 

It's not really how Tegoshi expected things. He's never been particularly adept at socializing--occasionally he says some pretty tactless things--but he'd never considered himself _terrible_ at it before. And even though he doesn't particularly like hanging out with people all the time (probably due in part to him being so bad at it), he still prefers being around others than being the one person everyone doesn't bother talking to.

These last few weeks have made him feel like he's destined to be a social outcast for the rest of his life. He talks to Moriuchi a lot, but Moriuchi sometimes makes him feel slightly depressed, so he continues to spend most of his time with Massu. Moriuchi just has that sort of personality where nothing can ever be truly good, and he wears a lot of black. And not in that fashionably ironic way either. Kusano is friendly enough, but he sticks by Koyama and Kato-kun, which he figures is only natural. They were in a Junior group together, after all.

Sometimes Tegoshi wonders what it would be like if he had been in a Junior group. He also wonders if Kato-kun might be resentful that Tegoshi is going to be debuting after only ten months in the company.

Yamashita-san spends most of his time with Nishikido-kun, who doesn't scare Tegoshi, really, he just doesn't want to give Nishikido any reason to hate him, because he has a feeling that then Yamashita-san would hate him too. Uchi is nicer, though. Well, okay, he did hear Uchi call Massu a chubby little piglet one time, but he's going to assume that was said with the nicest of intentions. (He still doesn't tell Massu about the remark.)

Anyway. The main point is, nothing much has changed. He still only really hangs out with Massu, but for some reason, he actually feels lonely.

 

The Volleyball thing was fun, Tegoshi guesses, but really awkward, and Tegoshi is kind of afraid for the DVD they filmed while working there. He was so shy and nervous that he's not sure if he'll show up for more than ten seconds, but even that is ten seconds too much. Massu tells him not to worry about it, that at least Tegoshi sang well, but Tegoshi doesn't want to just _sing well_.

He wants to prove he can be just as good as Yamashita-san. He wants to be an idol, in every sense of the word. He's just not sure how to manage it, his current personality being as bad as it is.

 

When they appear on Domoto Kyoudai, Tegoshi decides that he's sick of being in the background, and as he starts getting singled out by Tsuyoshi-san, he figures this is as good a time as ever to make himself noticeable, whatever method it takes.

"Who is your most admired senpai?"

He answers without thinking, because it's been true as long as he can remember. "Yamashita-san."

 

(Well fuck, he thinks later, when his brain catches up to his mouth. That wasn't exactly how he wanted to be remembered.)

 

Yamashita-san is awkward around him for a few days, but then seems to think Tegoshi's crush on him is kind of cute, and he invites Tegoshi out for dinner a few times. Dinners that Tegoshi drags Massu along to, because really, it's just too embarrassing to be with Yamashita-san alone.

Nishikido-kun keeps giving him strange looks, and he saw Uchi and him laughing while looking in his direction more than once, and he decides they're both assholes.

Koyama keeps trying to give him advice on how to become friends with Yamashita-san while Kato-kun and Kusano laugh in the background.

Massu's behavior is the only one that doesn't change.

 

They're playing some video game when Tegoshi suddenly relaxes the controller in his hand, lets it fall as he says, "You knew, didn't you."

Massu pauses the game, sighs, and stares at him. Tegoshi can be annoyingly vague sometimes. "About what?"

"Yamashita-san."

"Oh," Massu says. "It was always pretty obvious." He sees Tegoshi's blush, and he continues. "Well, Tegoshi, I mean. You have to remember. I _am_ older than you, you know."

Tegoshi hadn't remembered.

 

He suddenly starts watching Massu, instead.

 

Thirteen months have passed since Tegoshi joined Johnny's, and only four months have passed since the formation of NEWS, and Tegoshi feels really, _really_ betrayed that Moriuchi thinks he can just leave like that.

He knows Moriuchi was unhappy, that this wasn't what he really wanted, but Tegoshi isn't jumping for joy at the thought of every NEWS rehearsal, and he's still here. It just isn't fair that Tegoshi has to stick it out, and _he_ apparently doesn't have to.

Taka had said he was going to go to Tegoshi's for Christmas dinner, because Tegoshi had invited him, and now he says he can't. Tegoshi knows that is the real reason behind his resentment, but he doesn't want to admit that he actually needed Taka's presence to be happy.

He's not dependent on anyone, after all.

But when Massu realizes what's going on, and invites Tegoshi over to his house for Christmas instead, Tegoshi thinks he might just be a little dependent on someone--on _Massu_ \--for his happiness after all.

The thought doesn't bother him, for some reason. He even smiles a little at when he thinks about it.

 

It's been four years and two months, _four years_ since joining Johnny's and almost _three_ years of being in NEWS, and things were finally starting to seem normal again. Uchi had been suspended last year, yeah, but somehow the group was surviving, they were even meeting up for lunch of their own accord every once in a while, and the awkward silences in the dressing rooms were gone, completely gone, and even Nishikido wasn't being such a bastard to him nowadays, and, and--

And then Kusano gets suspended too, and the only thing that goes through Tegoshi's mind is, "Fuck it all."

"You really shouldn't say that," Massu says reprovingly, chewing on his fourth dumpling in five minutes.

Tegoshi glares at him and just says, "Maybe _you_ should lay off the dumplings so management will like you more. You'll never be one of the main members if you look like a cow and sing like one too."

Tegoshi has never seen Massu angry before, but when Massu involuntarily crushes one of the dumplings in his hands, then stands and looks Tegoshi straight in the eyes, Tegoshi is afraid of him for the first time in his life. "You've never acted your age as long as I've known you, you've always been a spoiled brat and you still have a horrible personality and are overly harsh when you judge people, and you're still far too full of yourself, but"--and here he pokes his finger into Tegoshi's chest with each word, hard enough that Tegoshi thinks he might be bruised tomorrow, "you have _never_ been malicious for no reason."

He backs away, grabs his bags, and heads for the door, only looking back once to say, "I'm really disappointed in you, Tegoshi."

 

It's four years and four months since Tegoshi entered the company, and that night, for the first time since he was fifteen, Tegoshi cries himself to sleep.

NEWS activities have officially been suspended, and Massu is _still_ keeping himself at a distance, and now he finally realizes that Massu was the only thing that has ever kept Tegoshi from falling into some sort of state of despair this entire time, because no matter what, since the first day they met, Massu has been there for him.

He wonders if this means he took Massu's presence for granted before, and if this means that now he's finally learned to appreciate him. He thinks he should apologize, because even if Massu acts fine of the surface, they just aren't connected like they used to be, and he's sure Massu hasn't forgotten what he said, and Tegoshi hasn't _either_ and he wishes he could take it back because he didn't even _mean_ it, he was just upset, but he can't, he can't because time doesn't work that way.

When he wakes up the next morning, his eyes bleary and his cheeks swollen from crying and rubbing his eyes so much, he wonders why he ever thought it was a good idea to be dependent on Massu for his happiness.

 

Four years and six months, and Massu invites him out for karaoke for the first time since-- Well, since they blew up at each other.

"I'm sorry," Massu says, when they're in the room alone together. "I know you were just upset that Kusano had to leave."

Tegoshi doesn't think it's fair that Massu gets to apologize first and make things look like Tegoshi is definitely the asshole in this relationship.

 

It's been five years, _five years_ since Tegoshi entered the company, and four years since the Volleyball Cup, and now he finds himself, five or four years later, whichever way you want to count things-- he finds himself in a foreign country, all alone, with just a translator and Massu and a gaggle of technicians trailing behind him.

He's nervous, because no one speaks Japanese here, only the assistants and they're boring, and the translator is fun but he's not exactly someone Tegoshi can just mess around with and.

And things are still weird with Massu.

He's not sure why and he's not sure how, but he's positive the weirdness is all in his mind, which is so much more frustrating than the weirdness actually existing. He's not sure what it is, but being alone with Massu isn't how it was before. Now he's nervous and shaky and he decides to just chalk it up to still feeling guilty about never apologizing and worrying that he might hurt Massu's feelings again.

 

It's five years and one month, and NEWS is officially coming back. Koyama cries and hugs Shige, and Massu does too, and Tegoshi's not sure how he reacts but he doesn't think he's ever been so happy in his life. Even Ryo looks like he might have missed things with NEWS, which Tegoshi thinks says a lot for how distance and loss can make one realize how good things were before they were taken away. Yamashita-san, acting like the leader everyone expects him to be, manages to keep his cool, but Tegoshi's been watching him a long time, and he knows he's probably just as overjoyed as Koyama is.

 

Five years and four months, and Tegoshi is still watching Massu. Only rather than it being some kind of subconscious thing he does like usual, today Tegoshi actively watches Massu, sees the way Massu moves as he practices his dance for this concert's solo song.

When the group dances later on, Tegoshi pretends his is a duet, and he doesn't know why his imaginary partner's hair looks strangely similar to Massu's until, after rehearsal, Massu smiles at him and says, "Your dancing is better today. What have you been up to?"

And when Massu laughs and slides a hand around Tegoshi's waist, he thinks, _Oh_ , and in that instant he just _knows_ , knows what all of this has been leading up to.

 

Five years and four and a half months, and it's like every last piece has clicked into place. He's got the magnetism now, and he understands more about himself in the last two weeks than he has in a lifetime.

"It's weird," Massu says, after waving goodbye to a group of girls who stopped them on the street, obviously angling for just a picture with Tegoshi and being disappointed to get Massu as well. "I remember when you were just this awkward teenager. I don't think I'll ever get used to your new image."

Tegoshi pouts, and whines, "I can't believe you're going to keep remembering me at my very worst stage in life. That's so unfair."

Massu laughs and knocks Tegoshi on the head affectionately. "Idiot. I remember you that way, because that's how I liked you best. And you're still that kid, you know. You're just better at hiding it now."

Tegoshi opens his mouth to complain again, but Massu clamps his hand over Tegoshi's lips before he can say anything. "It makes me really happy that you've only shown that side of yourself to me, you know. Now let's go sing some karaoke!"

And then Tegoshi _knows_ , knows Massu's heart even if Massu doesn't.

 

So, it's been years and months since Tegoshi joined the company, and it turns out he was right about himself all along. His teeth are no longer crooked, and his hair looks perfect every day, and he's got some of the best fashion sense in NEWS. At least, in his opinion, he does. He still has the best voice, and he's heard more than one fan refer to it as the voice of an angel.

And it took him a while, but he _does_ have the personality of an idol. He's not sexy all the time like Yamapi is, but he's cute and sometimes sexy, and that's what has kept his fans watching him, so he considers his transformation a success.

Now he just has to work on Massu.

So when, one night, they finally take the train back to their homes at a quarter past midnight, with hardly anyone on the train, Tegoshi thinks that maybe this is an opening. Yeah, there are what appear to be yankees at the other end of the car, but Tegoshi decides that this is probably his best opportunity despite that, so he pushes Massu into a corner and kisses him.

He kisses Massu how he kisses girls. It's slow and he takes his time, because he needs Massu to know he doesn't think of Massu as some kind of substitute, and that Tegoshi has really been thinking about this.

Massu kisses back, and they keep kissing until one of the yankees starts whooping and the others start making catcalls.

They jerk apart, and Tegoshi sees Massu blush for the first time in his entire life, and he can't keep himself from pinching Massu's cheeks. The yankees start making kissing noises, and Massu blushes even harder. Tegoshi lightly takes Massu's hand and says, "I like Massu the most, and I always have. And I, um."

And suddenly Tegoshi feels fifteen again, like he can't do anything right, and he's not sure what he had planned to do after this.

Before Tegoshi can remember his plan of action, the voice announcing the next train stop starts blaring over the speakers and Massu says, quietly, "This is my stop."

"Oh," Tegoshi says, and lets go of Massu's hand like he's been burned.

Massu starts heading for the doors, but then turns back, a determined expression on his face. "My mom hasn't seen you in a while, and she keeps asking about you. Do you want to spend the night? I still have the extra toothbrush."

Well, Tegoshi thinks, it's a start.


End file.
